Confusion

This is really personal and it might content many thoughts.

Read it at your own risk.

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Up to this point, more like day, in my life I stumble with the thought that I don’t know what I want. I haven’t made up my mind yet. I want to do many things; I have many ideas and, probably, dreams.

And I’m not talking about just the self-centered desires we all have, such as buying things, having a car, having a good job and be rich, having a big house, travel around the world. No, I’m not talking about that.

I’m talking about deciding what it’s the best for my family. I want to make them happy, I want to make them proud and giving them a good life. I want to have and give them good things. And yet, I’m not still decided. I don’t know what to do.

I already work; I’m already earning money and helping them with the payments and all. But it’s not enough. I think it will never enough.

I want to study Graphic Design, but also have a great desire to study Medicine; plus my never ending desire to learn as many languages as I can. But I know I can’t. I have to focus in one thing and that is my family.

I probably sound like someone who already has family: wife/husband and kids. But no, I’m single, with no kids.

But I still feel this huge weight on my shoulders. I’m still feeling the pressure of the society. I still feel as if everyone is judging me. And I think I will feel like this until I finally can make one of my life goals to come true.

There are many things I want to do. I want to write, I want to draw, I want to create music, I want to sleep all day without worrying about work or about my bill, I want to travel and discover many new things. But I can’t; I know that I can’t right now.

My mother is sick, and recently, I’ve been wondering about the end. “Will she die?” “Can I make her feel proud before she dies?” “For how long will I have her with me?”

I want to sent her to the best hospitals, give her all the care she needs, I want to give her all the medicines she needs. But I can’t. I only can try to make myself a better person; I only can try to make her proud and make it up for all the years I give her trouble and for the words I said out of rage.

She wants me to be successful, but also she wants me to study for something I don’t. And here it’s where my dilemma comes. How can I make her happier?

I want to make my sister’s life easier. But, any other sibling, I treat her sometimes in the worst horrible way. But I do love her. I know she has this little difference. I know about her condition more than anyone else and that’s why I also want to give her everything and only the best.

But at times, these desires collide with my personal desires.  And that’s when I feel lost.

What should I do? What should I do from now on? What should I do right now?

I think I live my life one day at a time. Sometimes, I don’t have plans; sometimes, I have to make plans. Some days I just need to plan how I’m gonna live for 15 days, while waiting for my next payment; and there are days when I don’t think and I just do what I want.

I really want, no. I really wish I could do everything I want. But I realized I can’t. Somehow I stopped thinking about only “me, me, me and me” and became more aware of the others. Sometimes I really wish I could talk with someone about this. But there’s no one. So I just keep it to myself.

I swallow all my desires and wait.

I wait until the day in which I finally reach and grab my own goals.

It feels lonely. And yet, no one knows about this. I want it that way.

It feels lonely and I don’t mind because no one will walk my path. I don’t mind because no one will be strong, except me. I don’t mind because I’m the only one who can fight my fights.

But, it still is a lonely road. And I wish someone was there for me.

But then again I can’t keep a ‘close friendship’ because I’m afraid to be hurt again. I can’t trust enough because I don’t want to be left alone again. I can’t give my happiness to anyone because I don’t want them to be thrown away again.

I choose to close my heart and probably be mean; to be sarcastic and pretend. I pretend and lie. Because nothing is okay; but no one notice it anyway.

I feel happy when I talk about the group I love. Music is my life. I feel so happy when I talk about that group. And at some point I think that group was the only reason why I’m still writing this.

But I also envy that group. With a large amount of members and personalities clashing together; close friends, mere friends, shopping friends, lonely friends, sad friends, best friends.

I envy that too.

And yet, I’m the one who can’t keep one friend.

I really, really want to know what I want. But probably I will never know. Probably I will die and I will never know.

I’m confused and I wish someone could tell me what to do.

But life is not like that, isn’t it? Life is never easy. NOTHING IS EASY.

But I’m glad too. For having a family, for having a house, for having food, shoes, clothes and almost anything I wanted. I’m glad for what life has given me. Even the bad experiences, because I always can look back and say “Man, it was worse in the past” and look to the front and say “It will be better”

I’m thankful, for everything I have and don’t have.

I’m just confused.

 

 

And all this happened because I watched a Teacher/Students Drama.

Should I become a teacher?

ˆSee… that’s what I’m talking about…

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