Heart of Misery (AtsuMina)

Okay here it is! The angst!

I wanted to change it a bit but it didn’t sound good so I left it as it is. I’m wondering on doing a sort of second part, this time from Atsuko’s PoV. But. we’ll see!

I hope you like it and comment if you want. Also I hope you don’t cry or something lol. Sorry if you do!

Anyway, sorry for any mistakes and thank you for reading!

And please don’t kill me!

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One heart refused to beat

One love is incomplete

One loss

The Rasmus – Heart of Misery

 

 

I don’t know why I fell for her in the first place.

I’ve been trying to think of the reasons of why I fell in love with her but, I always get to the conclusion that it just happened. Without reason and without me noticing it, it just simple happened.

Looking at the white ceiling of my room I suddenly got hit by the turmoil of emotions. Love, happiness, regret, hate and finally, sadness; all those feelings started to cloud my mind and made my tears start falling from my eyes.

“Why” was always the question that repeated constantly in my mind, the constants whys and ifs were starting to make me go crazy. And yet, it seemed as if I wasn’t really being able to stop myself from thinking about her.

The first time I met her will stay with me forever. It was the first time I felt my heart beat so fast and my mind stopped having rational thoughts.

It was the third night I spent here, at my new home, and I was getting comfortable.

After I took a shower, I walked towards the couch I had in the middle of the apartment. I was feeling a bit lazy after my part time job ended; the only thing I wanted to do was watch TV and go to sleep.

Just as I sat down on my couch I got the scariest experience of all. I felt how something just fell on my lap and it was starting to move a bit. I quickly got up and looking down I found the intensive eyes of a cat. I’m still surprised that I didn’t yell but I think I felt how my heart stopped.

The cat came near my legs and started rubbing its head on my legs. I crunched down and patted the cat’s head softly. I had a cat myself, but I still had to go to my parent’s house and bring it. My cat, suddenly I started to think about my little cat.

After a few more minutes of petting I noticed the collar the cat had around its neck. A little plate was there too, with the cat’s name and the owner directions.

-You naughty cat, why did you leave your owner alone? – I asked him and giggled – I’ll take you back home.

I wasn’t surprised that the direction on the plate pointed at this same building, much less to the same floor as I was. I lifted him from the floor, took my keys and walked out of my apartment. It wasn’t a long way; the cat’s direction pointed me to the door next to mine. This was also a good opportunity to say hi to my neighbor.

I knocked the door twice and waited. Once the door opened, my mind just shut down.

As simple as it sounds, that’s how we met. Our first impression of each other were me feeling utterly embarrassed, I stuttered too much, I told her that she was beautiful and felt more embarrassed; she was a bit embarrassed too, but it was more by the fact that her cat was in my apartment than anything else; also she laughed at my fail introduction and she thought I was way younger than I was.

Here on my bed, thinking about that makes me giggle. That memory will live in me forever.

To say that, after that, we became friends, it’s also one of my best memories of my entire life. We started by greeting each other anytime we crossed paths on the entrance of the building or when we almost bumped each other on the elevator.

I brought my own cat and suddenly that fact made us closer. Often she would knock on my door, saying that Potts, her cat’s name, wanted to play with my cat. I never gave a negative answer to her. To me that was the perfect excuse to be near her and to talk to her.

I soon found out that she was a little bit younger than me, just by months; I also knew that she was trying to be an actress and that her dream was to go to Broadway. I also got to know about her friends, Yuko and Haruna, not in person though; she just loved to talk about them and how one was a pervert and the other was a “princess”.

We had countless of laughs and, I want to call them, dates. As the days turned into months and those months into 1 year, we became so close that she usually would come to my place and sleep with me. Just sleep.

It was a torture to me because I realized that my feelings, the friendship I felt, suddenly changed into pure and raw love. All I could think about all day was about her smile, her eyes, her face, her touch, her laugh; basically, just her.

My friends noticed my change. They pointed out that I spaced out more often, that I stopped going out with them, that I always rushed home without apparent reason. But I did have a reason. I had a reason called Maeda Atsuko.

After a year and a couple of days more, I finally had the enough strength to confess my feelings for her. I did it quite bluntly and, now that I think about that, it makes me feel so embarrassed.

-I-I have something I wa-want to tell you, A-Atsuko- I said nervously as she came out of her little kitchen.

I went to her apartment this time. I made up my mind and today was the day. The day I would confess to her.

She sat in front of me, the table separated us, and cleaning her hands with the apron she was wearing, she looked at me. The silence that fell on us felt as it were crushing me, mentally and physically.

-I have been hiding some-something from you – I said looking down to my hands that were gripping my clothes out of fear – I… I…

I couldn’t do it. My mind denied my mouth to keep talking. My whole body was trembling and my heart was beating so fast that I thought it would just simple jump out of my chest. But what scared me the most was the fact that she was so silent, waiting for me to continue. I closed my eyes, I couldn’t do it.

She suddenly got up, came near me and suddenly hugged me tightly.

-It’s okay, Minami. You don’t have to say it. – Her voice was so soft and caring that it just made me cry.

-I re-really want to-to tell you… But… I am af-afraid tha-that you ha-hate me…

-Anything you say will make me hate you, Minami. – I felt her hand stroking my hair slowly.

I took a deep breath and just said it.

She stopped her actions, she stayed hugging me, but I felt how her body suddenly tensed up.

The silence that fell upon us was deadly.

A sigh escaped my mouth. That memory always has that effect on me. That day I almost lose her. That day I almost lose myself. That day was also the day I learn the truth.

“I’m engaged” she said.

Engaged.

That word broke my heart and my entire world.

She apologized, she almost cried while apologizing and I felt like a completely jerk. After so long to know each other, how the hell didn’t I ask her? And why didn’t she tell me about it?

I avoided her, or at least I tried to; it was difficult to do it since we live in the same place and floor, just a few meters away.

After my part-time job I always went to random places, trying to make time for her to go out or to get in her apartment. I knew her schedule, as creepy as it sound; she was the one who talked about it all the time. I also started to go out with my own friends; I came back home really late at night or really early.

That went for a couple of weeks until she knocked on my door and as if nothing had happened she just told me that Potts missed Nyaachan. And, as always, I just let her in.

That day felt just as awkward as one could imagine it could feel. I was sitting on a small couch while she was sitting on a larger one. I made tea, her favorite flavor, and we just sat there. Without talking and only looking at the cats playing around; I also was looking at her, every once in a while.

-Do you want to watch a movie with me? This Friday, if you are free – Atsuko asked to me a few days later, when I was getting out of the elevator.

I blinked a couple of times and bite my lips. It was a hard decision because I really wanted to say yes; I really wanted to spend more time with her. But at the same time, I really didn’t want to get more hurt and disappointed that I already was.

-You can’t, right? – I looked at her, her face was showing disappointment and sadness – I understand – She smiled, quickly masking her previous feelings with a smile. She is an actress.

I sighed as I saw her turning around and walking back to her apartment.

-What time? – I simple said, making her stop and turning around quite fast.

The smile on her face was stunningly bright. She jumped on me, giving me a crushing hug as she laughed happily.

-Thank you – she whispered.

What I didn’t expected, however, was that our friendship escalated quite fast from that day.

At one point we became more physical when we were together. I started tickling her; she started to hug me more. Her smell was addictive; her white skin was also tempting and I was trying to control myself but I just couldn’t. Not after all this time.

A tickle battle on the couch, while we were watching a movie, started it all. I didn’t know how I ended up above her, both laughing and trying to catch our breath.

I looked down, to her tempting lips and then back up, to her eyes. And that was how I kissed her, quick and very superficial, but full of love.

How did the situation got out of our control? I still don’t know. How my own desire clouded my judgment? I don’t know. How did we end up having sex for the first time a few weeks later? I don’t know. All I know is that we wanted this, both of us.

-Mi-Minami – Atsuko moaned my name again.

Kissing her skin felt so right at that moment that I just wanted to keep tasting her.

-Yes? – I replied while kissing her shoulder and travelling down.

She moaned once more and arched her back as I moved my lips in between her breasts.

-We-we sho-shouldn’t…

I knew what she wanted to say, but I didn’t want to hear it.

-Don’t say anything yet, Atsuko – I said as I went back to kiss her lips – Just enjoy this.

But my happiness didn’t last long.

-What is this?

-An invitation, to my wedding.

I couldn’t believe it. After all those nights in which we loved each other I thought my feelings were clear enough.

I didn’t accept the invitation.

-You’re cruel, Atsuko.

Those were the last words I ever say to her.

I didn’t want to see her again. I didn’t want to feel anything for her again. I didn’t want to live anymore.

As the days went by, I ignored her. Even if we were in the elevator at the same time, I would just simple ignore her few attempts of making a conversation. I was hurt and feeling angry about everything. I didn’t want to hear her apologize; I didn’t want to see pity in those beautiful eyes. But mostly, I didn’t want to hear her wedding plans.

I saw more people going in and out of her apartment as the wedding day was nearing. I saw her talking with whom, apparently, were Yuko and Haruna. At least, it suited her descriptions of the two women.

And, finally, one day I saw the lucky guy.

I was feeling tired. It’s been days since the last time I slept well. I just couldn’t stop thinking about her. My boss allowed me to go home early and I was glad that he did it. I wanted to sleep and never wake up.

Once the elevator doors opened the image that greeted me was my worst nightmare.

There she was, on her door, being kissed by a tall and good lucking man. My hands turned into fists and I felt my blood boiling. I wanted to just go over them and separate them. I wanted to punch the man’s face and yell at him that Atsuko was mine.

Tears rolled down my cheeks and I ran towards my door while trying to hold my sobs.

Once inside, feeling secure in my own room, I slide next to my bed and placed my hands over my face.

It was the first time I felt my world crumble.

How it did happened? I still don’t know.

Why did I let my feelings run wild? I don’t know.

Opening my eyes, after I remembered all what happened, I started to be conscious about my body. It was numb and I was starting to feel cold and tired.

I was certain about one thing at this point. I really love Maeda Atsuko; and I couldn’t afford the fact that she was getting married at this exact time and day. I couldn’t afford the thinking that another person would have her. I couldn’t afford the fact that she wasn’t mine.

-Atsuko…

Her name was the last thing it came out of my mouth before closing the door of my apartment; I walked away. I never turned my head back, decided to forget about her and about my feelings.

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16 Responses to “Heart of Misery (AtsuMina)”

  1. Awwwww. This is sad. Tsk. Haha. Atleast you didn’t mention a name for the guy. I don’t know. Just relieved about it. Hahaha.

    Thank you for this. Even though it was heartbreaking. 😆

  2. I forgot to add. And Yes! Maybe you should write the Atsuko’s POV. Hahahaha.

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